The Poopie List
by Conilynn
Summary: Bella has the flu. Emmett takes it upon himself to make her feel better in a way that only he can. AH


_I am not the author of Twilight or the Poopie List. I don't own any of these characters, but I am familiar with more than one Poopie on the List._

I had the flu. The fucking flu! And not the twenty-four hour kind. That would have been too easy. Oh no, I had to get the kind that seemed to last for years. So instead of a day in bed, binging on chicken soup and Pepto-Bismol, I was being nuked in my own smelly bodily fluids. My ass was being kicked. My face was being pummeled, repeatedly. My stomach was being turned inside out and my intestines were being crushed in a vise.. The flu. That dirty, thieving bastard held my lucidity and senses against their will, set fire to my joints and turned me into a giant bucket of fuck.

It also made me miserably lonely, for the only person I had any desire to associate with in my pathitiful state insisted on keeping a safe five foot distance.

Edward Anthony Cullen. Anal retentive, obsessive compulsive, beautiful, brilliant, sexy, biggest dick I've ever seen, light-o-my life Edward. I missed his caring kisses and sympathetic hugs. Mmmm... my Edward, with his soft lips and hypnotic eyes, his magnificent body and_ Sweet Lord_... that cock! Oh my, what that man could do to my lady bits. There just aren't words capable of describing the experience that is Edward's cock. However, Edward is _extremely_ cautious in nearly every aspect of his life. Experience has taught him to be. He is freakishly inteligent, but he can be very trusting. Therefore, easily taken advantage of.

Case in point; Tanya Denali. Hobag extrordinaire. Uh... yeah, I beat that bitch's ass. _Fucking sucubus!_ I don't consider myself to be a violent person, but the way she had treated Edward... _MY_ Edward... was reprehensible. She was his first. A few days after the only 'encounter', Tanya had him convinced that he had knocked her up. Edward believed her. He was terrified. She threatened to take him to court, tormented him in front of her friends, and spread vicious rumors about him. She extorted enough money from his parents, she refused to let Edward or his parents accompany her to doctor appointments and caused such turmoil, his mother had to start shopping in another town. He was a seventeen year old boy who had been humiliated and so traumatized by his only sexual experience, he nearly dropped out of school because of the constant badgering. I can't even begin to imagine how Edward felt, having to tell his parents that he had possibly procreated with a monster, and said monster was blackmailing him.

The thing is, Edward was loaded. Well... not him per se, but his parents were. To some people, the bottom line of someone's bank account means more to them than anything else, and Edward's bottom line was what Tanya wanted the most. She set her sights on young Edward She tortured him for weeks, even going so far as to use a pregnancy pad to 'show' that she really was pregnant. Edward's father went so far as to hire a private investigator, hoping to out the dirty bitch for what she really was. Unfortunately, the PI didn't uncover anything. Imagine her surprise when she was caughtwithout her fake baby,_ buying tampons_! Yeah, my Edward loves his Chapstick. Strawberry, in fact. He walked into Walgreens on a Sunday night and there she was. Oh my, but she must have been surprised! Edward was - pleasantly so. When her lies were revealed, Edward's parents sued her, and Tanya Denali became the town pariah. Her parents were mortified at the thought of their little girl treating anyone so deplorably and bringing such shame to their family that she was disowned... and disinherited. Bitch was greedy.

When Edward discovered that Tanya was one of my co-orkers, he warned me to be careful around her. My mother always told me 'don't borrow trouble' and 'turn the other cheek' and all that other philosophical bullshit, but she'd never met Tanya Denali and she adored Edward. And well, me being_ me_, I couldn't resist temptation when I let it slip that Edward was my boyfriend. It didn't take long for her to dish her own version of dirt. I knew what she was doing; _he fucked me, I'll just fuck back._ I expected it and I was prepared. There are certain things that I hold dear. Things that I will defend to the death and will not allow to be fucked with. Ever. Edward is at the top of that list of things. So, I thrashed her good. I was arrested, got a black eye, a sprained wrist and lost my job, but oh fucking well. It was a shitty job at a shitty library. Small price to pay for a little bit of revenge. Tanya wasn't so lucky. I broke three of her four front teeth with an outdated encyclopedia, ripped the cheap, gaudy earring our of her left ear and pulled enough hair out of the top of her head to leave a nice shiny bologna spot. Edward's parents gladly offered to pay any legal fees on my behalf, and Edward was so touched and turned on by my 'protective girlfriend posturing', he fucked me into a heat stroke. My mother was so proud.

Although Edward is the love of my existance, and he knows that I would never, ever expect him to do anything he wasn't completely willing to do, I am far from immune to his cautious nature. For instance, the first time we had sex, I informed him that I was on the pill. Believing that the pill is only reliable when safely tucked between the knees, he insisted on using a condom. I'm allergic to latex. _'So am I'_ he expressed. Well, apparently condom companies considered this and decided that taking a lamb intestine and turning it into a pregnancy slash STD prevention device was a good idea. Edward has assured me that, used in conjunction with a reputable spermacide, this type of condom is very effective and hypo-allergenic. He _is_ brilliant and a firm believer in research, so who was I to argue. Hence, our brief conversation regarding that five foot distance.

_"Bella, I love you more than anything on the planet and my favorite place to be is inside that beautiful body of yours." He said, seductively. "I love licking every inch of you and wrapping myself around you as often as possible. But... you're sick. I promise to do everything I can to aid in a speedy recovery as long as I can do it from five feet away."_

_"But Edward, I need your caring kisses and sympathetic hugs." I was almost in tears._

_"I know baby, and I would love nothing more than to give them to you, just not while you're sick."_

_"Even if I wear one of those funky face masks? Any hockers and snot would be contained. Please?" I begged._

_"How about I keep you medicated and hydrated. Besides, I'm not good with the whole 'hockers and snot' thing even if they are contained."_

_"Edward Cullen, you are a big chicken."_

_"Isabella Swan, you're lucky I'm not quarantining you. . Bed."_

I had to give Edward credit. He was very good at keeping me medicated and hydrated. He waited on me hand and foot and promised to make the physical distance worth my while, so I did what he told me. The only time I left that bed was to vomit or shit. Until yesterday. After ages of stewing in my own juices, I decided a shower and a change of sheets was in order. Edward nearly had a stroke when he arrived to find me up and about. It took a while, but I was able to convince him that his dedication in his quest to make me feel better, I really did feel better and I was tired of smelling like a bag of assholes. After checking the levels of all the medication I was forced to ingest, Edward decided to make a pharmacy run. I washed several days of_ blech_ off of my body, changed my bed and headed down to the kitchen for a lovely bowl of chicken broth.

I was almost finished with my soup when I heard someone burst through the front door. I was met by my boyfriend's lovely, demented brother.

"Emmett, what are you doing here? You do realize I've been at death's door for several days?"

"Hello to you too. Actually, Edward said you were pretty sick. I thought I'd come and cheer you up. You should thank me Swan, I brought my best material!"

"If it's directly related to my current state, I don't want to hear it."

"You have no sense of adventure! Come on, Swan. It could be fun!"

Emmett Cullen is a large child and the only thing he fears is Rosalie Hale, his very own life sized, Barbie doll girlfriend. Emmett could be a whold football team. He's just that huge. He's also funny as hell. If I were a prank, I would want Emmett to play me.

"Will this make me vomit or causeme to spend an inappropriate amout of time sitting on the toilet?"

"I don't know, Swan. Can laughing induce vomiting or excessive bowel movements?"

"I'm serious Em, my intestinal walls are actually touching. I could shit through a screen door, it's horrifying!"

"Well then, allow me to introduce you to the Poopie List. Bathroom humor at it's finest, since you spend so much time in there anyway."

"You're a twisted fuck, Emmett. Lay it on me."

Emmett beamed. I could see every tooth in his head. With exagerated movements, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of folded paper. He loudly cleared his throat and began to speak.

"The Poopie List." He said, with a bad English accent. "Ghost Poopie - The kind you feel come out, but low and behold, doesn't appear in the toilet." I chuckled. "Clean Poopie - The kind you feel, see and flush, but doesn't appear on the toilet paper. I am familiar with this poopie." I laughed.

"Please! Don't even try and pull that on me. I've done your laundry and I know what that ass can leave behind!"

"Shut it, Swan! You're ruining my shit here!" I laughed more. "Ahem. Wet Poopie - The kind where you wipe fifty times and your ass still feels wet, prompting a temporary barrier between ass cheeks and underwear to prevent brown streaks." I was rolling. "Second Wave Poopie - The kind that happens when you think you are done poopie-ing only to begin again after you've wiped and flushed. Pop a Vein in Your forehead Poopie - The kind that makes you strain so much, you nearly have a stroke. This poopie should be accompanied by a tube of Preparation-H." I was having trouble staying upright. "Gassy Poopie - It's so noisy that everyone in earshot is laughing. This poopie is perfectly demonstrated in _Dumb and Dumber._" I had a coughing fit.

"Hold on a minute, Em. I need to rest, I think I have to vomit." I was given enough time to catch my breath before Emmett continued.

"Lincoln Log Poopie - The kind that is so big it must be broken into smaller pieces before flushing." I giggled. "Prarie Dog Poopie - The kind that comes out just slightly, then goes back in, then comes out, then goes back in. Corn Poopie - Self explanatory." I had another caughing fit and made a mad dash to the bathroom. I was amazed at Emmett's ability to keep a strait face while I was nearly having seizures. I had no idea that laughing would, in fact, induce vomiting.

"You good, Swan? Top or bottom?" I glared at him. "Okay, moving on. "Spinal Tap Poopie," I was already laughing. "The kind that hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving your body sideways." I howled. "Mexican Poopie - It smells so bad your nose burns. Also known as the Toxic Hell Poopie." I was unable to breath. "Surprise Poopie - You think you have to fart, but oops... a poopie. Dangling Poopie - The kind that has vehemently attatched itself to your asshole and no amount of shaking or jiggling can loosen it." I fell out of my chair and rolled around on the floor. "Hey Swan, why is shit tapered?" I couldn't answer, I just shook my head. "So your asshole doesn't slam shut." I was dying. Edward chose that moment to walk in with both arms full of pharmacuticals.

"What the fuck did you do to her, Emmett?" He yelled. I could hear the clattering of several medicine bottles hitting the kitchen floor. I was immediately swept up in one of Edward's sympathetic hugs. "Bella, baby are you alright? Fuck Emmett, she's drooling and convulsing!"

"Relax Eddie, she just laughing. Did you know that excessive laughing can make you puke?"

"Why?"

"I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the constant clenching of stomach muscles."

"_Christ Emmett!"_ Edward hissed. "Why is she laughing like that? What could you possibly say that would have her looking like an epileptic after a drinking binge?" I was starting to calm down, being in Edwards fantabulous arms, indulging myself on his mouthwatering scent. I raised my arms and locked them around his neck and whispered a reminder of his five foot rule. "Fuck the five foot rule, baby. You feel way to damn good to let go of." He kissed me nice and proper. "Now Emmett, explain." Edward shifted me in his lap and I was facing Em.

"Okay. First, I think I should tell you why I wanted to make Bella laugh." Edward cocked a brow, prompting Emmett to continue. "When all that shit went down with Tanya, it really fucked you up and I couldn't make it better. I have never, in my entire life, wanted to beat someone as badly as I did that bitch, but I knew I couldn't. Bella did what I've wanted to do for almost ten years, and she did an excellent fucking job. Hell, even Mom and Dad were proud of her. She's like my_ Mini-Me_ and I love her." Edward smiled, but didn't speak. His arms tightened around my shoulders. "Now, do you remember when I was ten and I got really sick?" Edward nodded. "Do you remember how miserable I was, and what you did to make me feel better?" Edwards eyes glazed over and for about two seconds he was stock still. I could actually hear the twelve year old in Edward's brain shuffling through years of miscellaneous memory files. And then, the fog lifted and Edward gasped.

"Holy shit...the Poopie List."


End file.
